Here’s Comes The Test: Following Own Advice

May 8th, 2009 | By

It’s been a crazy five weeks. I’ve been so focused on what I want to do, I’ve forgotten what I was put here to do. Now it’s time I take some of my own advice. Let God be free to run your life.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I went to school for Broadcast Journalism about 5 years ago. When I graduated, I planned on going into sports. BTW, I never follow the anointed star, but damn Lebron James is doing his thing.

But God had other plans for me. He decided to bless me with a baby that doctor’s said I’d never have. And with the fear and uncertainty of being a new mom, I turned back to God. I began to pray again and I saw tiny lessons being put in front of me.

I reconnected with my family, gained a love for politics, and a passion to bring real change into the community my daughter would grow up in.

My sanctuary through all this was writing. I was sitting around with my cousins one day and we were all talking about the perfect job. I said my perfect job would be writing. Just to be able to touch people with my stories or poetry. That would be heaven for me.

And what do you know, a year later, And I was happy. I had a publisher looking at my novel, my daughter was healthy and happy, and I was doing what I love. God and I were on the same page and it felt good.

Right in the middle of my comfort zone, God comes storming in, “You ready for your next step?”

Without thought, YES. Because this means my novel is going to be published, my mark will be left, and the future will be full of endless opportunities. So come on, let’s go. I remember getting goosebumps from my excitement.

Bam! Publisher pulls out, editor can’t explain why, and I’m like “WOW”. I thought I was ready?

God said, “You weren’t even paying attention to what I wanted when I asked if you were ready. You had it all planned out in your mind, you weren’t even paying attention to what I was building around you.”

So when I stopped looking at what I thought was going to happen, I began to realize what was happening. My mettle was being tested in another arena. Instantly, I got mad at myself because I had done it again. I slipped back into everyone before me mode.

I was accepting treatment from people, who on a normal day, would catch my wrath. I was seeking advice from people, who had their priority list straight, and were looking out for their own self interest. But worst of all, I had began fighting God again.

He’d make a person show their true colors and I looked the other way. He’d give me hints as to why my book wasn’t really ready and I pounded my feet on the pavement. He presented me with a pathway forward and I procrastinated because of my own fears. God and I were throwing body blows.

You can check my blog for a big block of missing dates and have a perfect time frame for me and God’s little encounter. Fighting God takes so much energy, you have room for nothing else. So I gave up. I went back to praying, let your will be done.

I was in process of planning WHWDRadio but was petrified. I didn’t want to host a show by myself. So I asked my best friend in the entire world to come on with me. Not a good idea, I’ll leave that story for another day. Through all this turmoil and mess, I was writing everyday on my blog. Even though my life was in disarray, God and I were strong.

I get this great opportunity and begin to believe life is getting good again. I show up, do the damn thing, and walk away feeling proud. I had conquered one of my biggest fears, only to be slapped down by the opportunity giver at the next bend in the road.

But God and I were good and it didn’t affect me like it normally would have, instead it gave me a whole new confidence in myself. It was the straw the broke the camels back and the launching pad for WHWDRadio.

Now, to the point. I haven’t been writing on my blog the last couple weeks. I’ve been so focused on what I thought would happen, that I stopped paying attention to what God was building around me.

He was building a platform for his will to be done, not a showplace for my pride or personal ambitions. So where does this leave me?

Outside the ring, deciding if I want to go another round fighting with God. And even at the exact moment I’m writing this, I still have my boxing gloves on. The only difference, I’m about to go upside my own head for not following my own advice.

But that’s the beauty in asking for God’s will to be done. When you start stepping away from his path he gives the clues to get you back on track.

Lenny McAlister came on WHWDRadio Wednesday and hit me with a reality check. I tried to give him the best interview possible, even though I was struggling with some personal demons at the same time. The whole interview all I could think was “Am I really following God’s plan for me?”

After the interview, I get hit with my answer. The whole time I was trying to plan the show, I was getting stuck. My thoughts wouldn’t come together and nothing made sense, and it came to full bare with my lapse on the mute button. I was once again trying to do my own thing and not letting God work through me.

But God doesn’t leave you hanging, so he gives me a caller. After the fact, I can think of million things I could’ve said to debunk his argument but I realize that wasn’t the point. Yes, I love politics, but I care more about the plight in the black community than anything else. And that’s not a problem that can be solved by either party, it has to be done by the people in those communities. And that’s where my focus should be.

That’s a pretty generic lesson, huh? After all that personal turmoil, that’s what you come up with? Yes! A simple and plain lesson that to many of us take for granted. We know it to be true, but it’s a lot easier to point to policies made than it is to mourn the dead. It’s a lot easier to point a finger at one party or another than it is to make the hard sacrifices to save and create wealth. It’s a lot easier to cheer for the black president than it is to condemn the neighborhood drug dealer, gang banger, or future victim that sits and says nothing.

And as a proud Republican, I give them the ammunition to turn the fight to the easy stuff. I bring up Bush, Civil Rights, and the cost of higher taxes. They bring up racism, perception, and name calling. I can’t figure out why the facts don’t add up to them and they are trying to figure out if the Grinch’s heart is bigger than mine. And nothing gets solved.

And now my mental is once again in turmoil. I’m not heartless but I’m not afraid to talk about the tough issues. I’m not winging it, I’ve got the proof to follow up on everything I say. And yet here I am, pushing forward though my path is murky, dim, and uncertain. Praying for God’s will to be done.

If this is a test, I hope it’s graded on a curve.

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