December 28th, 2011 | By Sonnie
Every time I see Alan Colmes giving his opinion on how caring and loving Liberals/Progressives are to minorities I silently wish that I could shoot through the TV. I have really good aim and I always imagine the bullet piercing the spot on his chest where his heart should be. Then I think about spending my life behind bars and he hardly seems worth it. Plus, I think death would be to good for the saviour of us poor, stupid black folk. How about giving him the Ezekiel experience and make him live among the people he’s spent his political life defending and protecting, according to him.
Here’s the challenge! Let’s play a real game of spread the wealth and start at home. The first step Colmes is to give up all your possessions that put you in the 1% and don’t worry I’ll redistribute them equally. Where to start?
Your house. No more gated community for you. Well, that’s not exactly true. Instead of the gates meant to keep people out, I’ll replace them with the gates meant to keep the poor in. You know that affordable public housing you always spout as a positive. And don’t you worry about the roaches and rats, it shows how progressive you are towards animal rights to co-exist with bugs and vermin. Just think of all the respect you’ll get from Peta. #Winning.
There’s just one little catch. You can’t get the benefits of public housing if you are in a stable two parent married household. So first you would have to divorce your wife. Don’t worry though, you can still stay together. Her name just can’t be on the lease and you’ll have to live with the threat that if the government ever found out she lived with you, you would lose your housing privileges and be forced to move within 2 weeks of their discovery.
Your Bank Account. It’s soooooo unfair you’ve worked your entire life and have money to show for it. We’ll have to change that immediately. Uncle Teddy has played $20 on the lottery every day for the last 20 years and when we switch your bank account to his name, he’ll finally feel like he’s hit the jackpot. Just imagine the look on his daughters’ face when she realizes all the days she didn’t get lunch money because he saw 1-2-4 in a dream finally paid off.
Plus, you’ll get the benefit of being able to apply for $145 a month tax free from the government. That should take care of all your needs; your personal hygiene products, household cleaning products, washing clothes, etc. Just think of all the jobs you’ll be saving by creating such a huge demand for everyday goods. That $1,740 a year can save the American economy.
Your 401K. Why did you plan for retirement when Social Security is the greatest thing since sliced bread? We can’t have you going off into your yonder years sitting on a stack of money. Who are you to plan for your own future? Plus, Mrs. Mattie saved her entire life so she could retire at ’60. Then RonRon got arrested and she put her house up to bail him out. Him skipping town really wasn’t her fault. Let’s give her your security nest and let you pray your rise in SS benefits matches that of inflation.
P.S. Don’t get upset when you try to schedule a doctor’s appointment and they give you an appointment in 9 or 10 months. Your cancer can wait until a doctor who accepts Medicare is able to see you. And just because the blue pill makes you feel better doesn’t mean you should have it. The red pill works just as well and the throwing up and stomach pains are just pesky side effects.
Your Car. How dare you have personal transportation when it still runs on that planet killing gasoline. Don’t you know global warming is real? Haven’t you saw Al Gore’s movie? Even if it’s a hybrid, it was manufactured using fossil fuels for electricity. Plus, Grandma Nellie could really use that car. She has to catch four different buses to get across town to her minimum wage job because she can’t afford to live in the neighborhood in which she works. Again, #winning.
And no need to thank me. Because you don’t have a vehicle, you could actually get your $145 a month raised to $160. That should cover the cost of your use of public transportation. When your local government raises the cost for each transfer, don’t think about how it’s cutting into your budget. That’s selfish. Just think of all the union employees that will retire at age 50 with a healthy pension.
Your love of Restaurants. Can you say foodstamps? They don’t take EBT cards at Red Lobster. Need I say more? But you can work it your advantage. Somebody on the street will give you .50 cent on the dollar and you can use half your food money for the month just to taste the cheddar biscuits. Yum.
Your Job. Putting time, effort, and energy into building a career is so Right Wing. I couldn’t bare the thought of your hard work actually paying off and allowing you to be interviewed on O’Reilly, hosting your own radio show, or getting paid for other speaking engagements. That’s how “The Man” holds down people of color and limited means. “The Man” branches out into multiple sectors preventing the little guy from getting a shot. Some people, like yourself, need to get out of the way and let an unknown take over. It’s only fair.
Your Credit Score. Paying your bills on time shouldn’t be reserved for those who live within their means and it’s not the fault of those who want more out of life than they are willing to work for. All the blame should go to credit card companies that extend credit to people who don’t understand APR or recurring fees. Take 19 year old Lil C who graduated from a public school that never taught him how to balance a check book so he went out and bought a car with a 28% interest rate. Never mind he had a 220 credit score because his mother had a credit card in his name. If we give him your 780 score, he can refinance the car and actually pay it off before it breaks down. Say it with me, #winning.
You get no real benefit from bad credit. Really, it sucks.
Your Children’s College Fund. Just because once upon a time you had money, doesn’t mean your children should get a free ride towards higher education. Such privileges are a tool of the “The Man’s” master plan to stick the poor with debt they could never pay off. So let your children take out $150,000 in loans to go to a school they only qualify for because of the color of their skin and major in Progressive Indoctrination. Then don’t question why they can’t find a job to pay off the skyrocketing cost of tuition.
Then you can be extra excited that they cut off the video game, get off the couch, and hang out at Occupy Mediocrity, rather than starting a business or engineering the new technology of the future. Just think about it. It didn’t cost you a single red cent. You beat me to it, #winning.
And the last thing, Your ID. You know us poor minorities don’t own a birth certificate or social security card so it’s impossible for us to get an ID. Be happy your old and every corner store that sells liquor and cigarettes won’t card you when you need to soak yourself in alcohol and vice to forget about how much your new life sucks. And because you’re not of Hispanic descent when they card you for being drunk in public and you can’t show them proof of identity, they’ll just throw you in jail and wait for your prints to come back. Don’t worry though, I’ll standby as they handcuff you and throw you in the back of a police car and complain about the unfairness of your treatment. Then I’ll get my black behind into my car, bought with my good credit; drive to my home to sleep in my bed and prepare for the next day of fighting for and appreciating everything I’ve worked for.
I dare you, or any of your lefty welfare is good buddies, to take the challenge. Walk a couple miles in the shoes you’ve fought for. Then tell me again how more people living in your welfare traps is a good thing. Convince me the best thing for minorities is to accept the bullshit you call a worthy cause. We are tired of being your charity case and when the majority of the black community awakens to your lies, you’ll wish I really could shoot through the TV.