Browsing: Inspiration

Stop Fighting A Blessing

December 2nd, 2008 | By

Conservative Whisper

I’m not finished with all my lessons learned over Thanksgiving. I have written about blocking a blessing before but it’s time for a refresher.

Have you ever woke up and felt that it was going to be a great day? The aches and pains you had the night before have disappeared. Your child walks in and apologizes for the way they acted the day before. Your lover leaves a flower on the bed beside you. And you just know something good is going to happen today.

You feel so good, you decide to call out from work today. You plan on spending the entire day just feeling good.

Then halfway through your day, stuff starts falling apart. You get slammed with the headache from hell. The teacher calls and you have to go and pick your child up from school because he was fighting. While on your way, you spot your lover with another woman. And you are like, damn, I thought this was going to be a great day.

The next day it gets worse. You go back to work and find out the woman that sits next to you got a promotion the day you called out. That was your promotion. You have been praying for it. More money, less hours. Then the woman rubs it in.

“Girl, they were going to give the promotion to you but you called out. I’m glad you didn’t come to work yesterday.”

The first thing you do is go to God. You ask why is he punishing you.

If God could answer, I bet he would say, You Blocked Your Blessing.

See, you were praying for strength and for God to guide you. And he tried. He made sure you body wasn’t in pain so you could accept your promotion. He made sure you weren’t worrying about whether your son was mad or not. He made sure you weren’t thinking about your lovers actions. He gave you a clear mind so you could go to work and get a blessing.

And you called in on his blessing. He knew the job would stop your pain because it was all stress related. He knew your son would benefit from you being at home more. He knew the extra money would give you the strength to tell your cheating lover to hit the bricks because you don’t need him. Everything you have been praying for, Gone.

The devil stuck his head in and you followed. Not purposely. Not with intent to block. You followed for the temporary peace. And it felt good, temporarily. Then when your blessing was nice and blocked, the Devil let the flood gates open. He knew you were thanking God this morning and by this afternoon you will be questioning his love for you. And all it took was one good feeling.

Here’s another

You spend your entire life taking from people. You let your mother bail you out of problems, even though it creates more problems for her. You allow your friends to treat you to this, pay for you to go here, and pick you up when they are going there. You let girls fall in love with you, all the while your out looking for something new.

You watch as your brother gets another girl pregnant and you swear that won’t be you. You watch as your friends fuck one girl, then scoop up another and you applaud. You treat the one person in this world that would do anything for you, your Bun Bun, like she is nothing. Yet you walk around claiming you are a man.

Then one day you get called on it. Someone, like me, approaches and let’s you have it. They point out what makes a real man and you don’t see yourself in the description. You realize you are selfish. You realize you are a bastard. And for the first time, you really don’t like the person you have become.

You talk to God. Then like a strike from Heaven, your cell phone rings. It’s your Bun Bun. She’s pregnant.

All your recent realizations go out the door. Fuck being unselfish. “You are going to get an Abortion”.

But God was listening. See, God knows there are consequences for your past actions. Your selfishness has caused this woman to have 3 abortions over the past 3 years. No doctor will touch her. No lie will get her out of it. She’s having a baby. Your baby.

What do you do? You have to show her. She will not tie you down.

The Devil comes in and instantly pulls that selfish string. He doesn’t even have to set you up. You have been pulling that string for so long, you made the Devil’s work easy. But God doesn’t give up on you. Your Bun Bun sends you a picture of your child inside her belly.

Are you seriously going to try to block this blessing? You know you don’t like who you are. You prayed to God and he answered immediately. And even though the Devil is right there, so is God. And that in itself is a blessing.

So many of us say we believe in God. We will say it out loud but we won’t shout it to the mountain tops. I shout, GOD IS GOOD. But even I fall short. That’s why I’m glad we have a forgiving God. Even if you destroy a blessing, a new one isn’t that far away. If you realize it.

When the world seems like it’s falling down on you; don’t be scared. Don’t be mad. Smile.

Know that God is tearing everything down so he can build it back up. You’ve been having such a hard time because you are surrounded by hard times. People that want to tear you down. The devil trying to throw up road blocks. And you refusing to get out of your own way.

So that’s my little lesson today. God is listening. He knows what you need and he’ll make sure it’s sent your way. But you have to be there to receive it. You have to have an open mind and an open heart to realize he is actually sending you a blessing. Even if you can’t realize it the first go around.

I’m Back But Is That A Good Thing?

December 1st, 2008 | By

I missed you guys. I missed writing. And I’m going to share something with you today. This is hard for me, so bear with me. I think I’m going to have to break this up in to a couple of sections because I had one hell of an interesting week.

You can tell by the title of this post, I was not over joyed by my Thanksgiving. I had to deal with bad news, which I will share you because your family maybe dealing with some of the same things and we can help each other get through.

Life is hard. I know I throw alot of criticism out but best believe I know that each person has went through something that got them to where they are. The lost or absence of a parent. Abuse or just plain neglect. A sharp and unrelenting dose of reality that crushed a person’s confidence in what they thought they knew. Or it could be as simple as falling in love and having it not work out. All events that shape and create individual personalities.

Mistakes are easy. I preach personal responsibility and that still holds. But there are times when you have so much of the world on your shoulders and so much of other people’s bull laying at your feet, it’s impossible to move. You have to stand there and take the pressure, bearing it without losing your mind. And sometimes the easy way out lifts that burden, for just a while.

And in that moment, you can see things clearly. Including the extra damage you caused by taking the easy way out. But you also catch up on all the emotions you have been trying to hide. You weren’t expecting this. All the backed up pain, all the unresolved lies; I guess you could say, all those skeletons you keep buried in your closet.

And this is where we mess up. One of three things can happen.

We look for the easiest way to push all that mess back into the closet. We drink, smoke, gamble, party or sleep, anything that will make the mind forget. We make the choice to postpone the inevitable. We don’t think of it that way at the time. We make excuses, like “shit this is Thanksgiving, I’m not dealing with that shit”. And off we go on our mission to hide from the rest of the world.

Or we look to place blame elsewhere. We cuss out grandma for letting mom get pregnant in the first place. “I wouldn’t be alive if you watched your daughter closer.” We blame dad for not being there, even though we know how easy it is to get caught up in our lives and forget about those that care for us. We blame people we’ve never met for acts we never experienced. Then after all that redistribution of blame, we wonder why everyone is looking at us like a lost cause.

Or we cry. We let tears rush down our faces burning traces of regret and disappointment in ourselves. We know we were trying to do the right thing but some how it got all mixed up. We know we have to make changes but before that we have to let it out. We have to let out all the mistakes we’ve made and forgive ourselves for them. And only then can we move forward, with clean closets.

Now all of that is well and good but what does it do for me? All I did was try to make it. Maybe I didn’t do everything right but I tried. Where is my scenario?

You are still in the blame scenario. It maybe indirect blame but it is blame non the less. You are not blaming anyone for the creation of your problems but you like to place blame for the lack of change since copping to them. And I’m willing to bet there are still skeletons hidden in your closet.

I’m writing this to make a point. Of all the lessons I’ve learned over this Thanksgiving season, this one is the most potent. At the end of the day, all we have is our mind, our sanity. At the end of the day, all we have is what we’ve done.

You can blame mom and dad for the way they raised you but you can’t blame them for your lack of sanity. And by sanity, I mean that peaceful place that allows you to breath, think, relate, and re-act. Most of us just re-act. We raise our voices and our tempers and lash out. It doesn’t matter where we are or who we’re talking too, we just let it out.

I’ve developed a name for this, Closetitist. Closetitist occurs when a person has to many unresolved issues. When faced with something new, they go into overload. It becomes hard to differentiate and separate the cause of a single problem. All the mess becomes jumbled and they momentarily lose their sanity. This is truly a self inflicted sickness.

There are no drugs, pills or street brand, that will fix it. The cure does not require you to have insurance. Nor do you have to schedule an appointment to lay on some doctor’s couch. All it takes is one step. One step out on faith.

Faith that there is no situation you can’t come out of. Now, if you have digged a ditch to far down to climb out of, this still applies. Maybe you won’t get completely out of the ditch but maybe you can find some light in the darkness.

The question becomes do you want the cure. Is your faith strong enough to bear the weight of the problems you have created? Some of us hold on to mistakes God has already forgiven us for. We are so afraid of everyone else seeing us weak, we hide. We use a nice car or fly outfit to hide. And sometimes it works.

You get the compliments and the looks from people who think they want to be like you but you know better. They may have a shitty car or holes in their shoes but they smile wider that you could imagine your lips stretching. It crushes you to think you would rather be like them. Down on their luck but happy. Scrapping by but at peace. No bling but a spirit that glows.

How did you handle it? I’m betting every single person that reads this had a breakdown this week. Which person were you?

I cried. A lot. I even lost my sanity for a moment. But I’m happy about it. See, the world didn’t stop spinning because I decided I wanted something different. The earth didn’t blow up because I decided to let my family know I wasn’t happy. I didn’t cease to exist because I made a mistake and finally admitted to it.

Instead, my family gave me strength. I got wisdom from those who created a path I’m about to walk. I found a place of comfort amongst those that love me the most. And that caused me to cry harder because all this time my closet could have been cleaned. My sanity could have been restored. I was just to prideful to step out on faith.

Maybe later I’ll give you the whole story. Maybe I’ll wait until it becomes fully resolved. But I will give you this. I’m back and it’s a Great Thing.

It’s Time To Let Them Go: Even Though They Are Family

November 18th, 2008 | By

When you are trying to learn about yourself, you often look to the people around you. More often than not, this brings you to the members of your family. I’m not going to get into specifics but I got a few stories for you. These are people I know and the stories are real.

1st Story

There is grandmother who loves her family. She has spent her entire life working to make sure her family had more than she had. Her and her husband had 5 kids. They raised their family in a house with no running water. Understand this. No running water. No bathroom, they had to pee and poop in a bucket. No shower, they had to bathe in a basins. If you wanted drinking water, you had to go outside and pump it from a well.

The woman lost her husband and realized she had to bear the weight of her family. At the age of 64, she went back to work to take care of her grown children and their children. Then her children move out and leave their children with the grandmother.

The grandmother does what she’s always done, step up and take care of her family. Years pass and her home of 50 years is deteriorating due to lack of upkeeping. The now grown grandchildren have done nothing with their lives and still live in the house. They sell drugs, have parties, and demand the attention of the local police.

In one raid of the house, a pollice officer decided he was going to report the bad structure of the house over all. The county came and told the grandmother her house was to be condemned because it was unliveable. They were all instructed to move out within 90 days.

The grandmother moved in with her oldest daughter and all the grand kids found other places to live. One of the grandmother’s co-workers felt so bad about the situation, she wrote a letter to a foundation in the community explaining the sacrifices of the grandmother. This foundation decided to re-build the house for the her.

The grandmother was so excited. On move in day, she threw a big party and eveyone came to see her new house. It was beautiful. All new appliances, fresh paint, clean floors, and two bathrooms.

How long do you think this house stayed like that?

2nd story

There was a single mother of three raising her kids in a 3 bedroom house. Her older brother hadn’t really done anything with his life and was currrently occupying one of the bedrooms.

Let me introduce you a little to the brother. He was a Honor’s graduate that joined the army after High School. He purposely got kicked out because he wanted to keep an eye on his girlfriend at the time. When he got home, he and his girlfriend broke up.

He found another girlfriend that wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She got him enrolled in college and found them a place to live where he wouldn’t be near bad influences. He was a great artist and even got scholarships to pay for college.

When he got the check, he cashed it and bought a pack to sell. Eventually he dropped out of school because he was making a little money selling crack. Things didn’t turn out that well for him, so he found himself living back with his sister.

Their father never played a role in their lives. Both blame him but the sister has compassion. She understood that he had been sick for a long time and he really coundn’t have done much for them. So, when the father’s house burned down, the sister invited him to live with her.

Here comes the problem. The brother isn’t having it. He argues with the sister about the father’s presence. He says that anyone that doesn’t take care of their children, shouldn’t be taken care of.

Did I forget to mention, the brother had a kid by both women and doesn’t take care of either?

3rd Story

There is a woman that needs to belong. She was spoiled by her mother her entire life because her mother made so many bad decisions when it came to men. When she would pick a bad man, her child would get a treat. When she got a black eye, her daughter got a mustang. When she got a broken rib, her daughter got a trip for her and her friends to Florida. When she got robbed, her daughter got 50% of the proceeds from selling her house.

The mother decided to move away but the women didn’t want to go with her. She was excited about starting a new life for herself. She took the money and bought a house. Soon she came to realize she missed having a family around.

So, the first guy that payed her any attention, she grabbed hold of and refused to let him go. Even after he tried to sell her mustang. Even after he took her T.V., D.V.D. player, and emptied her checking account. She decided she would change him by having his child.

I don’t even have to tell you, this didn’t work. The woman soon found herself surrounded by his family and they all had their hand out. You can afford this house, you got money you can lend me. You drive a bad ass car, you can let me use it. You have an extra bedroom, why can’t I stay?

The women was so scarred of being alone, she let all these things come to pass. Soon, her car was crashed, she was now late on all her bills, and she had to get restraining orders to keep people from coming to her house whenever they wanted.

But she refused to let go of the man that brought all these problems into her life. Instead, she figures the first kid didn’t make him change but I’m sure the second one will.

Do you think anything changed for her?

The Point

Stop looking at the people around you. O.K. maybe I didn’t put that right. Stop looking at the people around you, if you are trying to figure out who you are.

See, I want to have the hard work ethic of the Grandmother. I want to have the compassion of the single mother. I want to have the family aura of the woman. But they all come at such a high cost. At least if taken at face value.

I’m not the nicest person. I try but I find it hard sometimes. I’ve had conversations with the subjects of all three stories and they are all so nice. They believe no matter what is happening now, one day it will all make sense.

It makes no sense to me. I don’t understand why you thought a new house would make your grandchildren show respect. I don’t understand why grandchildren would destroy something that meant so much to their grandmother. I don’t understand why you would take care of a grown man, when there is nothing physically wrong with him. I don’t understand why you take care of three kids, work a full time job, and still have to cut grass when there is a grown ass man living in your house. I don’t understand why you do great by yourself but are constantly looking for someone to compliment you on it. I don’t understand why you accept the compliment when it comes with an out reached hand.

So I’m done looking around. It’s time to let them go, even though they are family. Like I said before, I know how to take the lessons and leave the rest. None of these stories have a happy ending. The grandmother said she was done. She moved out of her new home. The single mother is now sharing a bedroom with her oldest daughter. The woman finally stood up and now has to deal with being hated for doing so.

They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers. I can find a better place to expand my energy.

My Heart Is In Heaven; So Is My Mom

November 18th, 2008 | By

If you don’t know, I was adopted as a child. I knew my biological Mother and Father but was raised by an angel. My mom was a single mother with two kids of her own. She took me in and treated me like I was one of her own.

Back in the day, I didn’t understand the struggle of taking in another child. I didn’t understand how much it takes to raise one child, not to mention three. I didn’t know there were people who put the needs of others so far ahead of their own needs. And yet I was blessed by this beautiful woman to have a life filled with love, family, and God.

I want to share something with you. I found out my mother was sick on Monday. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on Tuesday and my mom passed that night. I came from the Hospital and wrote this:

Little child, all alone.

Come live with me, I’ll give you a home

I don’t have much in the physical sense

But I can give you something truly heaven sent

I can give you love, a place you belong

I’ll show you God’s love, how to be strong

I’ll give you solid ground on which you can grow

I’ll teach you to learn more than I could know

A lifetime worth of laughter, all the love I’ve known

Take my hand little child to never again be alone

This is what my mother gave to me. She gave me the sense of belonging. And my heart is always with her.

I hope she knows.

In Process of Change

November 15th, 2008 | By

Dear Readers,

I’m guessing you know I’m a real opinionated person. I get on this blog everyday and write what ever comes to mind. I find it an useful release to my daily life. Well, things are getting more complicated by the day.

This blog has opened up a lot of opportunities for me. In the future I’ll make more of these public, like the publishing of my first novel, YES. But it comes at a high price.

When barriers are knocked down in front of you, you realize that some of those barriers were the people you surrounded yourself with. The people you thought would have your back no matter what are actually the people that don’t want to see you succeed.

The one’s that encouraged your efforts in the first place become the one’s that tell you to slow down. Or they tell you to change who you are. Or they ask you if you think you are better than them. This leads you to wonder if there is really a problem with you.

Or at least, it leads me down that path. I just realized something really important I want to share with you. Maybe it is you. I know that seems funny but there is reason behind my madness.

You are growing. You are changing. And it’s all right. I am growing and changing and that’s O.K. too. The problem is the people around us are not doing the same. I’m going to steal a great peice of wisdom I got from Specta. Ask yourself, “Have I known you for 5 years or did I know you 5 years ago.”

I’ve been struggling with this concept for about a week now. And it’s not any easy problem to solve because no matter what answer you get, it’s still been 5 years of your life invested in this person. Whether it’s a best friend, a lover, a business partner, or a pastor, that person had to have made an impact on your life during that time period. It’s hard to not hold that in account when you’re thinking about the changes you are going through.

But it has to be done. I’m changing. My writing is even suffering a little because of it. I’m so stuck in trying to figure out my personal, I get lost keeping up with the rest of what’s going on. I go back and try to change passages in my novel I thought were perfect a week ago. Topics I have for my blog get put off because I want to re-examine my positions with my new set of eyes.

And it’s beginning to take a toll on me. Rest assure, I’m not complaining. I’m just enlightening myself as well as anyone that likes what I normally write. Things are changing and my blog will reflect that. The person I am meant to become will reflect that.

So please bear with me through this transition. Hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think but good things rarely come without a shit load of the bad. So I’m digging in and bracing myself. It should be fun to see where I come out in the end.

Thanks for all the support and hang on. I think this is going to be one hell of a ride.

Sonskystar

A Story From My Trip

October 27th, 2008 | By

I must apologize for my absence. I was dealing with some personal issues but now I’m back. I got a great story for you though.

I was visiting my peeps and my baby cousin was arguing with her baby daddy. They aren’t officially a couple but they are always together. Anyways, she was telling him that she needed some diapers for their daughter. He was telling her that he didn’t have any money.

I’ve never met the dude, so I didn’t really pay attention to the conversation. Come to find out the hard times are really hitting the streets. The drug dealers are being affected by the the economy. I lie to you not. My baby cousins dude isn’t selling crack like he used too.

Me, being who I am, told her to get him to come to the house. Two cars pull up. One was a Chrysler cop car with shiny rims painted bright orange. I lie to you not. Bright fucking orange. The other was a brand new 2008 Tahoe Hybrid.

Her baby daddy hopped out the bright orange car, switched keys with the driver of the Hybrid, and pulled all his chains from under his shirt. Now my cousin is trying to find a job but she doesn’t have a car. This dude has three cars and won’t let her use one to find a job. He lives in a nice neighborhood and she lives with family. He is dressed head to toe in name brands but so is my baby cousin.

He walks up and throws $20 dollars at my cousin, who immediately bent down and picked it up. Then she started smiling and being nice to the dude. She was cussing him out an hour earlier. Now she was blushing like it was her first crush. I got sick.

So then another car pulls up in front of the house and I got a blast from my past. My biggest crush that never materialized was standing in front of my face. Let’s call him, G. Damn, he looked good. He rushed to hug me and I let him. I felt like I was 16 again.

Anyways, turns out G and the baby daddy are cousins, small world. Then G told me something so interesting. He told my cousin not to fuck with his cousin because men like them were no good. I didn’t think it was possible to lose so much respect for a person so fast.

Let me tell you G’s explanation, this is what pisses me off about alot of black men that I meet. He said it isn’t anyone’s fault that he is still a drug dealer. It’s his choice and he knows were he is going to end up but that won’t ever stop him. There were six of us back then, always together no matter what. Three of us have jobs and lives that no longer involve drugs. One is in Jail. One is dead for trying to shot back at the police officers trying to arrest him. And then there’s G.

G informed me that he was proud of me for changing my life. He said he knew I had it in me. When I told him he had it in him too, he said “I know”. When I tried to press the issue, he said “I’m always going to be me”. And that was it. End of discussion.

We momentarily talked about our kids and our families but I immediately realized how much I had changed. The trivial talk that once sustained me no longer was enough. We said our Goodbyes and they left.

A few minutes later, my baby cousin gave me her phone. G said he wanted to catch up with me some more and asked if he could come back over after he finished some business. I told him, No. My cousin lost her damn mind.

“Do you know how much money he has?”

I wanted to slap her. Good thing the rest of my family jumped on her because I was in a foul mood. Before I left, I pulled my cousin aside and kept it short and sweet. “If you keep worrying about what that man is doing you will never have time to focus on what you can do.” She didn’t want to hear it and I was tired of talking to her.

Then I found out how to get her attention. My daughter asked her to walk out to the car with us and she did. Guess who was waiting in the front yard, her baby daddy with a 89 Nissan Sentra just like I used to have. Now she would have transportation to find her a job.

Before I could pull out the yard, she ran to me with her phone. It was G. Seems he had a little conversation with her baby daddy. The fucked up thing is, he told him that with money being slow he should want his baby mama to have a job so she won’t ask him for money all the time. That’s the only reason he decided to get her a car.

Our conversation didn’t stop there but the rest is rather personal, so I won’t share. Let’s just say there is still a drug dealer I used to know back in Richmond. And one day, some one is going to tell me he is dead or in jail. He knows it and I know it. But until then he will continue to destroy the lives of the people that come in contact with him. For the first time in years, I’m glad I’m no longer 16.

My baby cousin took that $20 that was supposed to be for her daughter and went out with her friends. My Aunt had to end up buying diapers for her daughter. I doubt my aunt will even bring it up the her. And I’m sure she’ll be back to arguing about the needs of a child she doesn’t even take care of.

And me. Left to wonder what can you do to make the streets not sound so sweet. How can you connect with kids that could go to college but would rather hold down a corner? How do you reach daughters that see the struggles of their mother’s and still have babies way to early? How do you convince life long friends you talk to them because you know they hold more inside?

More than that. How can you reach the one’s that know they are wrong and continue on? How can you look into their mother’s eyes at a funeral and not shed a tear? What kind of heart does that take?

From personal experience, I know that takes a heart that is afraid to cry. But not only that, it takes a total understanding of knowing they knew it would end that way and they did it. Not looking back blaming the police or the rival, but a glimpse back at who that person was. It makes it alot easier not to cry.

Is that what we’ve become. Communities with an inability to cry. Yes, we can yell and scream but can we heal? Yes, we can blame and point fingers but can we uplift? Yes, we can mourn but can we also remember? Or are we afraid? Are we scared what the people around us would think if we were the first to shed a tear?

I wonder how long these questions will go unanswered.

Towards The Future

October 26th, 2008 | By

What does the Future hold? Well, you only have to look in the past to find out. Because the past often repeats itself, just in new situations and circumstance. And that should bring you comfort because you made it through the past. It should also bring you hope because you can plot a general course for the future by learning the mistakes of the past.

So again I ask, What does the future hold? Day by day decision making that will forge your foundation. The strength of that foundation is up to you. For that is all you can do. Place your future upon your shoulders and make a way, even when the days seem grim. You’ve done it before and you can do it again.

This time look back at what you’ve been through and leave it in the past. Look at what you’re going through and learn the lessons life has provided in the present. And don’t worry about the future, you are well prepared for it.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present. Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD – 180 AD)

Remembering What’s Important

October 23rd, 2008 | By

I’ve been absent the last couple of days attending to my daughter.  Thanks for all the prayers sent out to her.  She came through fine and at 3:00 today, she was back to being her up upbeat, loving self.  Thank you, Lord.

When I got home, my answering machine was full of messages.  I thought how special it was that so many people cared about the well being of my daughter.  Then I got hit, right in the gut, with a reality check.  My father was found on the side of the road unconscious with a fever of 106.   They don’t know if he just has a bad case of the flu or if he had a minor stroke.

My dad and I had a wonderful relationship when I was a child.  My favorite moment came when I was about 7 or 8.  My dad used to let me sit on his lap and drive his favorite truck.  One day I drove his truck into the ditch.  I remember being so scared until I heard him laughing.  He wasn’t mad, he just asked if I was O.K.

As the years went past our relationship changed.  I think some where along the way he forgot how to show affection.  And that caused our relationship to stray.  We barely speak now, only talking when I take my daughter to see him. And when they get together they forget I exist.

Today though, I had to take a look back on my life again.  I had to think about what my father meant to me and what I want my daughter to think of her father.  Sometimes I think I get to personal on this thing but fuck it.

When they say a daughter looks for a man like her father, I have to believe it’s true.  I found one just like my father.  A hard worker that will walk through fire to make sure you are O.K. physically but they don’t know how to treat emotional pain.  So today when I was sad, my man asked if I wanted to get my hair done this weekend.

I no longer point out the ineffectiveness of buying away pain, at least for me.  I understand it’s just his way of trying to get me to feel better.  If I look good, then I’ll feel good.  But a new hair style won’t make me forget my father is in the hospital.  It won’t make me forget they can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with him.

Temporary things don’t change the problems.  Yes, you can go out and get a new dress but does it eliminate the problems that made you so sad in the beginning.  The question becomes what’s really important?

Family is always important.  Education is always important.  What about your personal well being?  Alot of us were brought up by parents that didn’t have much.  They turn around and try to give us everything.  They want to make sure we have the shoes they could never get.  They want to make sure we have a car when we are able to drive.  They forget to give us what they had.  The confidence that fighting for what’s right is the answer.

And we grow up not knowing any better.  So today I recaptured what’s important.  Trying to give my daughter the things I did have.  A mother that stresses the importance of learning.  A father that stresses hard work and cleanliness.  An aunt that stresses self confidence.  An uncle that stresses imagination.  Grandparents that pass down hard learned lessons. You know, all the things you and I had but overlooked because we wanted Nike’s.

I urge you all to take a look back to set the future.  That doesn’t mean look back at all the problems and try to find someone to blame.  Look back on the decisions you’ve made and think were they really that important.    Think back on how you were raised and see if you are teaching your child the lessons you’ve already learned.  Because that’s what’s really important.

Waiting For Perfection To Pray

October 13th, 2008 | By

In my first post this morning, I prayed.  I prayed for God to continue to guide me.  And what do you know, I get a call questioning whether it’s hypocritical to pray when you are a sinner.  God works in mysterious ways.

First, he let’s you know he’s listening.  He let’s you know your prays are heard and for that I am eternally thankful.   Then, he sends you a message to let you know you are on the right path.  When strife or uncertainty come it’s wonderful to know you have someone on your side.

Now let me tell you what’s on my heart right now.  If you wait for perfection to pray, you will be waiting forever.  We are human and we sin.  No one is without it and no one is above it.  The difference comes in the acknowledgment.  Can you admit you are not perfect?

Criticism is often hurled my way that I think I’m better or above those around me.  I’ve never made such an assumption of myself.  I know I have short falls and I’m the first to admit to those.  But I also know that I am a work in progress, that might never be fully completed, but I continue on.  Because I’ve been without God’s guidance and I know what that gets you.

So instead of focusing on me.  Focus on you.  When you feel the world begin to crumble around you, take it to God and leave it there.  He will answer.  Don’t expect your problems to disappear, it doesn’t work that way.  But you can expect peace.  That feeling that comes and eases your breathing, relaxes tense muscles, and destroys the once present knots in your stomach.  I’m a witness.  God is Good, All The Time.

So when the turmoil starts.  You should start to pray.  Don’t worry if you are a sinner.  God knows you.  He knows your heart and if you come to him with sencerity, then he would know that too.  And no matter how bad you think you are, God has seen worse.  And he will not hold against you things in your past.  In fact it’s just the opposite.  He will wash your past away.  And will love you like a new born child.

Just give him the chance.  Close your eyes and open your heart to him.  He will fill the spaces that are currently occupied with doubt and darkness.  He will mend old wounds and give new purpose, if you let him.  So today, tonight, and tommorrow I will pray for you.  And I know God answers prayers.  So when you feel that tap on you heart, answer.  I’m sending my love with it and I hope you will accept.

This site isn’t supposed to be super religious.  But I can’t deny God’s presence.  When he tells me to write in his name, I will.  When he tells me that my place is lighting darkness, I charge my batteries.  When he blesses me, I have to give a blessing back.  So if you came here today because you heard I was a spitfire, maybe you’re meant to be one too.  Maybe my journey isn’t meant to be alone.  Maybe I’m supposed to light your life and bring you with me.  I’ll say it one more time.   God Is Good.

A Prayer For My Daughter

October 13th, 2008 | By

The last few days have been tough for me.  In one week and two days my daughter will undergo eye surgery.  So I’ve been looking at her and feeling the knots in my stomach tighten everyday.

I’ve felt some of the passion I use in my writing melt away.  Instead I’ve been focusing on lucky I am to be blessed with such a beautiful, thoughtful, and intellegent child.  So please bear with me until the dust settles.

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A Prayer For My Daughter

Dear Lord,

You are indeed great.  When the doctor’s said I could never concieve, you had different plans.  When my friends said I would never find a man that could handle my attitude, you made one just for me.  When I thought I wouldn’t have the patience to handle a baby, you gave me strength.  God is Good.

When I first had my daughter I was scared out of my mind.  I thought I would kill her because I didn’t have the experince of handling an infant.  I lost my mother the day I found out I was pregnant so my support system was low.  But I had you, Lord.  I felt your hand calm my soul.  I let my voice sing your praises and you answered.  Giving me patience, compassion, but more than that, you gave me faith everything would be O.K.

I come to you now asking for that faith one more time.  God, please put your hands on me and calm my soul.  Put your hands on my daughter and watch over her in the coming days.

I’ve spent years worrying how I would raise her.  Would I give her the self confidence installed in me by my mother?  Would she love and trust in you like I do?  Would her struggles by lessened by the struggles I’ve endured?

But you have taught me, I’m not my mother.  I can give my daughter self confidence without installing fear.  I can teach her to love the Lord by showing her how much I do.  But most of all, I will not try to lessen all her struggles because that’s what will give her strength.  And with you by our side, I know that every thing will be all right.

Dear God

During my time of uncertainty I also ask to you to keep my voice fresh.  When I sit to write, I don’t think of what will come out.  I let the words you put in my heart come through my fingers and onto a page.  And I thank you for that ability.  Lord I just ask that you keep me doing your will.  I know I can not fail with you by my side.

While I’m here praying for myself, dear Lord, I also ask that you keep your hands on our troops in harm’s way.  Let them know that you are watching and give them strength continue on.  A selfish prayer would be to ask for them to come home without first completing what you have sent them to do.   So instead, I ask that you take my prayers to them and let every heart know that they are being prayed for.  Let every woman and man know they are respected and appreciated because without them there would be no me.

And Lord, keep your hands on our country.  Watch over our President, both candidates for the presidency, every politician, every member of the upper, middle and lower class.  Give us all ability to see that this is nothing more than your will.  And you would never take us where you couldn’t watch over us.  Give us calm to know you guide us, so we can’t go wrong.

All these things I ask in your name.  Amen.