A Personal Story Of Forgiveness

September 3rd, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

I must admit I thought this blog was going to be a way to get some of my ideas out into the world. I watch the News like a Maniac. I spend so much time yelling at the T.V., that I was glad when I finally found an Outlet. But something rather unexpected has happened through this Process. I’ve begin to think More about the things going on inside of me.

Yesterday, I found out my daughter will be having surgery on her eyes. It’s an one hour precedure and she can come home the same day. But that never stops a Mother from worrying if something can go wrong. I spent the majority of Yesterday telling my Daughter how much I love her.

As she told me to leave her alone, I had to change my focus. So I started to look at myself; Again. Now I was raised by a Wonderful Woman. Mrs. Susie. She was my Angel. She had two kids of her own, with no man, and she took me in a raised me as one of her own.

I didn’t look like the other kids. I didn’t think like them but I never felt out of place. I never knew this wasn’t my real family. Then things changed and I had to move with My Father. I loved my Dad and he spoiled me Rotten. But he had found a Wife and she didn’t particulary like how much attention my Father paid Me.

Then, on top of that, I got a chance to meet my Biological Mother. Well not really meet, but on my 13th birthday my BIO called and asked if I wanted to move with her. Then she told me we could take my father for child support once I moved. I hung up the phone.

I went and told my MOM, Ms. Susie, about the Phone Call From My Bio. My Mother told me to forgive her because it wasn’t all her fault. See, my Bio was a College Graduate. She taught Elementary School in Richmond Va. Then one day she went out, someone slipped something into her drink, she came home read the bible from front to back, and then she lost her Mind.

My Mother told me “One day you are going to have to let go of your Pain and Anger and Forgive.” She passed away the day I found out I was Pregnant with My Daughter. I’m not the Forgive and Forget type. I learned early that if someone stabs you in the back once, you are a fool not to expect it again. That’s how I survived growing up. Putting people in spaces and leaving them there.

I’m close with my Bio’s Family, and now I find myself spending more time around Bio. I’ve come to realize; That Bitch Is Crazy. She talks to herself. She would rather live outside in the shed with the fleas and ticks instead of the House. She can’t bring herself to look me directly in My eye.

So Yesterday, As I was thinking about my daughter. I decided to Call and Check on Bio. I have never called to talk to her before. Never. But for some reason, I picked up the phone and dialed. She answered the phone, with her distant unattached tone, and I started to regret calling. When I told her who it was, her spirits lifted. I could hear it. And I felt it, inside me.

Yesterday, for no reason in Particular, I choose to forgive My Bio. Not only did I make the decision, I felt really good about it. Like my Mom was looking down on Me and was smiling and my heart felt light. My life wasn’t the easiest, but it could have been worse. I didn’t have my Bio Family growing up, but I had one hell of a Family in it’s place. What do I really have to be mad about?

I’ve held on to so much. She made me a crack baby. I’ve had to deal with this sickness and that sickness because of the decisions she made, but I’m alive and kicking. She Kept my older sister but sent me Away. My sister just recently Got off Drugs and started to get her Life back together. That could have been ME, if my Father had given me to My Mom. She never called to say Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, or just to say I’m thinking about you.

Instead, I should have been happy that I made it out. I should have been happy I was given to a Mother that made Education Important. I should have been happy that I still had a Mother on this Planet even though the Woman that Raised me was no longer here. I learned Forgiveness Today. Real Forgiveness. Not when you can tolerate someone even though you are cussing them out in you head.

Forgiveness Frees some space In Your Mind, In Your Heart, And In Your Soul. So, now I look up at the SKY and tell my Mother, Thank You. She’s propably in Heaven saying “It’s about Damned Time, Now You Can Get Your Blessings. Now instead of Looking Back, You can Look Towards Your Future.”

I Love this blog. If you read some of the things I write and you disagree; Fine. But if you take nothing else with you, remember this; You can stop the Lord from sending you Blessings. You can be so wrapped up in what was; that you forget to think about what can be. Find a way to Forgive someone that’s wronged you. Find a way to let go of the things that force you to stop looking inside yourself. Start looking for some Peace in Your Life and you might find you have more Good than you realized.

Pro-Life + Pro-War = Oxymoron

September 2nd, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

This is just to funny. Now I’m not knocking the dude that says this. He writes to me every so often accusing me of not doing my research. Then he throws a bunch of facts at me, as if I need his assistance in Research. I like it though, because ususally those that disapprove of my writings call me names instead of having a Civil Disagreement.

Having said that. How can you believe in War and still be Pro-Life? (Full Discrestion; I’m Pro choice.)

This is like equating an Unborn baby to Radicals. How can you in good conscience compare the two. If you want a real comparison, then Check out the Article; B.M.W. + K.K.K. + M.S.B. = A Common Thread.

War has been present since the beginning of Life. I’m sure even the Dinosaur’s fought over Territory. It’s a weakness in Man to want to control Everything. And as long as Humans run this Planet, I have a sneaky suspicion there will be War.

Does this mean we can’t Promote Life? Or is the Unborn Baby what most of Us are willing to fight for. The future of our Country. The Future of our Family. The Future of our beliefs and ideals. Yes, we want babies to continue to be born, but we have to protect the Future for them. We have to fight for them to have the same or better than we had.

To think the two don’t collide , I find absurd. Just Ask a Jewish Person if being Pro-Life means you have to be against War. As the Germans killed Mothers, Fathers, and Babies Alike. What if America believed Not Fighting was more important than Saving those Unborn. The world could have lost an Entire Segiment of it’s Population. The world could have lost an Entire section of it’s Culture. Not to mention the Woman that were saved and had babies.

Without War this Discussion would be Null and void. Without War there would be no United States of America! Without war, I would still be a slave and my daughter would follow in my footsteps. Because those who are unwilling to fight, will be conquered by those who have Weapons. And Born or Unborn, those with weapons really don’t care.

I’m An American; I Just Happen To Be Black

September 1st, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Check out the Smokey Robinson Spoken Word On My Side Bar: Then Come Back.

I listen to this Every Day. Just to Know that I’m Not Alone. Now being the 5’9 120lbs. Light Skinned Girl, I’m never Black Enough. See I think For Myself. I’m Not Voting For Obama; So I get hate mail telling me to bleach my skin. I got a Stomach Disorder. I’m skinny; So they tell me I need to Eat So I Can Get An Ass. I’m self-aware. I Preach Personal Responsiblity; So I obviously ignore that there is Real Racism in This Country.

See I decided a long time ago to stop trying to be black. I used to think that there was really something wrong with me because I didn’t think like the people around me. Where they looked for excuses; I looked for Opportunity. When they looked For Someone To Blame; I looked for the Lessons to be learned. When they question my devotion to Education; I stood my ground.

But As Life Inevitably does, you get hit with a dose of Reality. Yes I was looking for Opportunities but I was looking for Black Opportunities. Finding me a Drug Dealer with Money to Spend. Having my choice of Which Car I wanted to Drive by talking to the right Dude in a Crew. Always being in right place at the right time to Pull off A Little Hustle.

Yes I was looking For Lessons To Be Learned. But I was Looking For Black Lessons. How to get in and out of someones’ else’s hood unnoticed. How to talk the Police Out Of Arresting You. How to get away with Bad Shit without anyone knowing. How to make a Dollar out of 15 cents with no real effort.

I was looking for that Black Education. You know, just make it out of High School and You’re Good. As long as You Get Your High School Diploma, You’re doing better than alot of them out here. You Finished School, why would you go to College?

It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I realized; I needed to stop chasing those Black Dreams and Start Making Some American Dreams. But that brings Internal Conflict. Were they right all along? Am I Just Not Black Enough?

My Answer to That! Fuck You. I’m An American; I Just Happen To Be Black!

See my blackness doesn’t lie in your opinion or perception of me. Nor do I care if I Live up to What You Think A Real Black Person Should Be. I’m going to do the Real Black Thing, I’m Going To Do Me. I’m going back to school; but my IPOd will still play Tupac and Jay-Z. I’m growing my own business; but I’ll still Catch “The Family That Preys” by Tyler Perry the very first day. I’m not voting for Obama; but I hope Condi can stay,for whom ever makes their way into the white house.

Starting to Rhyme a Little. But to get serious. Was Martin Luther King Jr. fighting for our Rights to be An American? Of Course. He wasn’t fighting to have Us All Sent Back To Africa. When will we claim our Place as Americans? Not the Victims of America.

I’m proud to be Black. I Love the Swagger of Our People. I Love the Resilliance of Our People. I Love the Flo, the Groove, the Passion of Our People. The Question is Do You? If you say you do, Then The Time Is Now. Make the Black Dream and the American Dream One in the Same.

It’s not Okay to be just getting by; unless you’re on a path to a goal. It’s not O.K. to accept anything less than your whole slice of the American Pie. Not just the piece The Government Decides To Give You. But all the yummy Crust you have to Work To Get.

We don’t have to change who we are to Acheive this Goal. But we do Have To Do Our Part. We Have To Start Taking Ourselves Seriously. We love to see Grafitti but will you buy a Painting to make the ArtForm Legitimate. We love Breaking and Popping but will you go see a play that features the Dancers. We Run the Music Charts but there are few songs that will go down in History. When will we make our Culture Legitimate; Not Commercial?

Let Me Go Before I Say To Much!