A Personal Story Of Forgiveness

September 3rd, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

I must admit I thought this blog was going to be a way to get some of my ideas out into the world. I watch the News like a Maniac. I spend so much time yelling at the T.V., that I was glad when I finally found an Outlet. But something rather unexpected has happened through this Process. I’ve begin to think More about the things going on inside of me.

Yesterday, I found out my daughter will be having surgery on her eyes. It’s an one hour precedure and she can come home the same day. But that never stops a Mother from worrying if something can go wrong. I spent the majority of Yesterday telling my Daughter how much I love her.

As she told me to leave her alone, I had to change my focus. So I started to look at myself; Again. Now I was raised by a Wonderful Woman. Mrs. Susie. She was my Angel. She had two kids of her own, with no man, and she took me in a raised me as one of her own.

I didn’t look like the other kids. I didn’t think like them but I never felt out of place. I never knew this wasn’t my real family. Then things changed and I had to move with My Father. I loved my Dad and he spoiled me Rotten. But he had found a Wife and she didn’t particulary like how much attention my Father paid Me.

Then, on top of that, I got a chance to meet my Biological Mother. Well not really meet, but on my 13th birthday my BIO called and asked if I wanted to move with her. Then she told me we could take my father for child support once I moved. I hung up the phone.

I went and told my MOM, Ms. Susie, about the Phone Call From My Bio. My Mother told me to forgive her because it wasn’t all her fault. See, my Bio was a College Graduate. She taught Elementary School in Richmond Va. Then one day she went out, someone slipped something into her drink, she came home read the bible from front to back, and then she lost her Mind.

My Mother told me “One day you are going to have to let go of your Pain and Anger and Forgive.” She passed away the day I found out I was Pregnant with My Daughter. I’m not the Forgive and Forget type. I learned early that if someone stabs you in the back once, you are a fool not to expect it again. That’s how I survived growing up. Putting people in spaces and leaving them there.

I’m close with my Bio’s Family, and now I find myself spending more time around Bio. I’ve come to realize; That Bitch Is Crazy. She talks to herself. She would rather live outside in the shed with the fleas and ticks instead of the House. She can’t bring herself to look me directly in My eye.

So Yesterday, As I was thinking about my daughter. I decided to Call and Check on Bio. I have never called to talk to her before. Never. But for some reason, I picked up the phone and dialed. She answered the phone, with her distant unattached tone, and I started to regret calling. When I told her who it was, her spirits lifted. I could hear it. And I felt it, inside me.

Yesterday, for no reason in Particular, I choose to forgive My Bio. Not only did I make the decision, I felt really good about it. Like my Mom was looking down on Me and was smiling and my heart felt light. My life wasn’t the easiest, but it could have been worse. I didn’t have my Bio Family growing up, but I had one hell of a Family in it’s place. What do I really have to be mad about?

I’ve held on to so much. She made me a crack baby. I’ve had to deal with this sickness and that sickness because of the decisions she made, but I’m alive and kicking. She Kept my older sister but sent me Away. My sister just recently Got off Drugs and started to get her Life back together. That could have been ME, if my Father had given me to My Mom. She never called to say Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, or just to say I’m thinking about you.

Instead, I should have been happy that I made it out. I should have been happy I was given to a Mother that made Education Important. I should have been happy that I still had a Mother on this Planet even though the Woman that Raised me was no longer here. I learned Forgiveness Today. Real Forgiveness. Not when you can tolerate someone even though you are cussing them out in you head.

Forgiveness Frees some space In Your Mind, In Your Heart, And In Your Soul. So, now I look up at the SKY and tell my Mother, Thank You. She’s propably in Heaven saying “It’s about Damned Time, Now You Can Get Your Blessings. Now instead of Looking Back, You can Look Towards Your Future.”

I Love this blog. If you read some of the things I write and you disagree; Fine. But if you take nothing else with you, remember this; You can stop the Lord from sending you Blessings. You can be so wrapped up in what was; that you forget to think about what can be. Find a way to Forgive someone that’s wronged you. Find a way to let go of the things that force you to stop looking inside yourself. Start looking for some Peace in Your Life and you might find you have more Good than you realized.

When It All Goes Wrong: Dealing With Disappointment

August 16th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

We all have moments where we think everything is alright.  Money is straight. Love ones are straight. And you begin to think, I’m Okay.

Then the walls begin to crumble and you don’t know why it all starts to go wrong.

I got a little news for you.  So is life.  I’m not extremely happy right now, but I’m still looking for the point.  I know that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.  And I’m about full, so why does the onslaught continue?

All I can come up with, There is something I need to be a little stronger for.  I don’t assume to know God’s plan, but I know he loves me.  I know he watches me.

Sorry if this feels more like a journal than a blog, but I’m not going to tag this.  If you are reading this, God says help is on the way.   You are not here by mistake.  I’m writing this because this is not the first time I’ve felt this way, but it is the first time I felt the need to share it.  To let my own vulnerabilities show you it’s okay.  I’ll be here tomorrow, filling the internet with my thoughts, with a smile.

I hope this helps.  I don’t know who needed to hear this, but just writing it makes me feel better.  And maybe my day went so bad, so I had to write this.  So you could read this.  I’m telling you, THE LORD IS GOOD.

When You Know You’re Wrong

July 17th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

So many times, we know the right thing to say and do, but we do the opposite. We blame it on circumstance, when it’s really just selfishness. We want immediate gratification, knowing there will be a penalty in the end.

Even worse, we turn from God when we’re ashamed of the decisions we’ve made. That’s the time when we need him most. To fill of hearts with enough compassion to know that another decision is coming and it’s chance at redemption. What will you do next time you know you’re wrong?

“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice” George Eliot (1819-1880)

Build A Network

June 17th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Most times we look to family for insight. Even though they might not be the example you want to follow. The trick is to surround yourself with like-minded people.

Not people of the same color, religion, or political affiliation. People of the same character, moral values, and same desire to educate themselves and grow, financially and as a person.

“Ask advice only of your equals.” Danish Proverb

A Walk In Someone Elses Shoes

June 11th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

We love to complain about the things that affect us. But rarely do we look around to see how worse things could be.

We complain about being poor. When there are people who haven’t eaten a good meal in months. We complain about limited rights. When there are people who don’t have any. We complain about gas prices. When there are people who walk 20 miles to go to school.

Take a look at those around you and know you are blessed.

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” Douglas Adams 1952-2001

Dear Mother

June 11th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Dear Mother,

I miss you. I wanted to think of something poetic, that would truly touch the heart of those who read this, but those who deal with loss know that’s enough. I miss you.

Our family affairs, I spend waiting for the moment you would walk through the door. You never come, I know better than to think that one day you will.

I dream about you, when my mind is cluttered and my soul isn’t as ease. These are the moments I need you most and you never let me down. You don’t come with words of sorrow, validating the feelings I have inside. You come with rage.

You tell me to move on, and to move forward. Even though you’re gone I still fear what will happen if I don’t obey. You did such a great job raising me. I was lucky enough to realize it before God called you home.

I know God loved his children. He even sends angels to watch over us. You were my angel. It was alot asking you to take in an infant when you had one son and a daughter on the way. You did it though.

I never once felt like I was anything other than your child. I got my share of snacks, two of the Klondike bars, I got my share of extra homework, believe if your teacher didn’t send any home you had some anyway, and I got my fair share of ass whoopins, I feel okay saying that cause I give them out now.

It wasn’t always easy, but we never saw you struggle. I know it had to be nights you wondered how you were going to go on, but there was only mornings of getting up and living. Nothing in life was worth sulking. It only required you keep moving forward.

You didn’t teach me politics, you taught me principles. You didn’t teach me economics, you taught me home to stretch a dollar til it popped. You didn’t teach me I could do anything, you dared me to say there was something I couldn’t do.

How do I thank you for that? If you were here you would give me that look that said how dare I ask such a question. Then I would’ve backed down. Now I would tell you, you were an angel, my Angel. I thank God everyday for you.

I miss you, but I’m not sad your gone. You told me, when all your children were gone you were going to disappear. We weren’t going to be able to find you. I laughed but I kinda knew it was true. You filled your blessing meter so high, so fast God had no choice but to allow you to rest.

I have to show the unselfishness you’ve always shown me. I want you to be at peace, watching over our family. Keeping us together when we don’t like each other that much. I

I could sit here all day telling you all the things you did for me, but that wouldn’t honor your memory. Instead, I’ll take care of me and mine. I’ll make sure I stand up and make my voice heard and my words count. I will raise my daughter to be better than me.

I’ll continue to move on. That’s how I’ll honor you.

Do It Just Because

June 8th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Upon spotting a situation where your assistance could be helpful, don’t first question what’s in it for you. The benefits or problems of a particular outcome may not reveal themselves until ready.

Meaning. Six years down the road your blessing may come. Don’t worry. God always closes his tab. So in the mean time, rack up the blessing helping all you see just because you know he’s real.

“Be alert to give service. What counts a good deal in life is what we do for others.”

Dear Broke Ass Dude

June 8th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Dear Broke Ass Dude

I meet you in the club last week, and you had it going on. Your kicks were shining, your ear was blinging and you was buying drinks for everybody. I’m a cautious girl, so I sit back and watch.

As you pulled out your dough, I never saw or heard the jingle of car keys. That was the first sign. You had game and you spit it tight. Not tight enough for me but you got up in my girls ear.

I watched as a group of girls formed staring her down. They weren’t coming after her to fight for you, they were laughing knowing what she was getting into.

Your boy made it over to me. He wasn’t as flashy as you, and he didn’t run game. He liked to watch just like me. The waitress came over and asked if we wanted a drink. He offered me one but declined one for himself.

I knew the look on his face. I knew it was the beginning of the month and rent was due. I bought him a drink and let him pay for mine. You laugh, out loud, as if there is some shame in paying your bills on time.

Dear Broke Ass Dude

If you weren’t flashin that little bit of dough in your pocket my girl wouldn’t be on you. She run game like that. If you got pussy on the regular you wouldn’t be so pressed to show out. If you had an dignity you wouldn’t be leaving cause yo boy drove you here.

So one week later. I visit your boy. His house isn’t decorated like a PIMP, but he got a house in his name. He don’t drive an Escalade, but his car gets him were he needs to go. He doesn’t have a closet full of name brand clothes, but he looks damn good when he’s getting ready for work in the morning. Believe me I know.

My girl told me about you though. She had to come and pick you up from yo mama house. She said walking through the backyard to get to the basement was cute. She ghetto like that.

She told me you had every pair of Jordans’ that ever came out. She also found the envelope of money yo mama left you. Yeah, she left it, my girl got sticky fingers though.

She told me how your mama came home and broke up yall bump and grind. Church let out early and you forgot to cut the grass before everybody came over for dinner. She also told me how everyone in your family was asking for the money you owe.

Dear Broke Ass Dude

Realize nobody wants you. You cry that all women are foul, the truth is no real woman would fuck with you. She would rather struggle with a man, than have momentary spending splurges followed by the McDonald Dollar Menu.

So the next time that fly ass girl turns you down without even hearing you out, don’t call her a bitch. Realize it’s because your a Broke Ass Dude.

Share Success Wisely

June 6th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Choose wisely those you share your successes with. When you are happy and content and you want to shout about it, make sure you’re not surrounded by crabs in the barrel.

Those with no ambition will shoot yours down, and those who expect the most of you will always ask for more. Realize it is your path to take, and the chatter around you will always be there, just ease you mind and move forward. Don’t allow them to make you stand still.

A Book By It’s Cover

June 5th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Appearances can be deceiving. Deception can hide behind friendly words. Illness can hide between thick thighs.

Time and patience reveal more than a quick glance. Watch as they relate to others and if it contridicts your first opinion, believe it. There could be a reason they only show you the good.

“Acting is a form of deception, and actors can mesmerize themselves almost as easily as an audience.” Leo Rosten 1908-