Help Wanted: Equal Opportunity Positions Available

August 12th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Wanted: Young men to participate in Caged Experiment (2,000,000 Applications)

Salary: Negotiable; depending on time served

Requirement: Very low self esteem, innate ability to make wrong choice at every turn, strong desire to pass blame Elsewhere and the inability to function properly in society.

Benefits: Free Access to Health Care, Three Meals Everyday, Access to a Gym and Cable Television, and a chance to join the Felon Brotherhood.

This Nice Man will show you where to Apply

Wanted: Young women to participate in Breeding Experiment(750,00 Applicants)

Salary: To be paid in 18 years

Requirements: A Vagina

Benefits: Access to Free Health Care, Access to Public Assistance, and aren’t babies so cute

Do Not Apply If You Use These

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Wanted: Person of Color to Run For Office (Applicants vary by District)

Salary: Limitless; Depending on Character

Requirements: Easy on the Eyes, Clean Cut Appearance, Articulate Inspirational Speaker, and Very Energetic.

Please make sure your Drug Using Days Are Over prior to Applying

Benefits: Access to a Platinum Race Card, Celebrity, Inside Access to Hide Your Shady Dealings

Wanted: Street Pharmaceutical Reps (Number of True Applicants Can’t Be Verified)

Salary: Limitless; Depending on Lack Of Character

Requirements: Math Skills, Ability to Negotiate, Acceptance of Incarceration, Indifference to Death, Ability to Work Long Shifts and Be Discrete

We no longer give race cards, due to their ineffectiveness in Court.

Benefits: You get it All NOW! The Car, The Girls, The Dough, and You Never Have To Grow Old. You could even win some new Bling and a Promotion

Wanted: Students to Participate in Educational Experiment (300,000 applicants every year)

Salary: N/A

Requirements: No effort put into learning, Total Disrespect For Teachers, Disregard for School Property, and eventually Dropping Out

Benefits: This is An Entry Level Position. Applicants could be promoted to any of the above positions.

1-800-Rac-Card

When You Need Proof You’re Black

Apply For Reparations Here Blast the War Here

Click Here To See Newest Race Card Applicant

Wanted: Young People to Apply For Scholarships (Applicants decline yearly)

Salary: Limitless; Depending on Desire

Requirement: A Set Goal, Strong Work Ethic, A Lack of Excuses, Ability to Prioritize, Ability to Make Sacrifice, and a Desire to Seek Out Help

Benefits: There are NO GUARANTEES, but it is a Great Place to start

These Opportunities Are Sponsored By the Democratic Party

You Know You Can’t Do It Without Us, So Why Try?