Dear Friend: Letter 1

June 5th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

I watch you struggle. You work so hard, but I can give you no pity. I can’t give you any more advice. My words are harsh and get worse with each exchange.

I ask you the same questions:

Where is he?
I don’t know
When was the last time you seen him?
Monday morning when he dropped off my car and borrowed $20.
He got his license back?
No
Then why did he have your car?
He went out with the boys Friday
Friday? And he’s just bringing your car back?
Yeah
Okay. Well what you doin?
I’m about to go and pick up some money
He finally giving you some money?
No! I’m borrowing some from my Aunt
Why are you borrowing money if you can give him money?
I don’t want to talk about it
Okay! Well what do you want to talk about?
I got new pictures of the kids. You should see them. They look just like their daddy. I bought them all new outfits for the pictures.
He showed up to take pictures?
Naw. He couldn’t make it, but they look so cute anyway
What color dress did you get?
I just wore my old black dress. You know I can’t afford clothes for myself

And then I lose it. I cuss and fuss and make you cry. I do it because I care but I only hurt you. I don’t like hurting you. Unlike him, I get no pleasure in seeing you in pain.

You love him more than you love yourself. Unfortunate.

You love him more than you love your kids. Unacceptable.

They’re watching him treat you like dirt, the same way you once watched. I know you. Inside there is a strong woman and when she’s ready to come out, I’ll get the alcohol and Orange Juice.

Until then, I have to walk away. I can’t hurt you on purpose. You’ll probably resent me for turning my back when you need me most, but I love you so much I can’t watch you hurt and then contribute to it.

Call me when you need the pieces put back together. I won’t look down on you for loving hard, nor will I blame you for following you heart. I look forward to that moment.

Until then………

Dear Lover: Letter 1

June 5th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

Dear Lover

I began our relationship with hopes of forever. I saw in you, MAGIC. You weren’t perfect, neither was I, but together we made sense. Where I was weak you made me strong, and I gave every bit of strength I had to you, without asking.

Now I find it difficult to see any magic. Where I once trusted you with my heart, I now cry above the broken pieces. Where I once cradled you in my soul, now echos with emptiness. Where I once held thoughts of a future, now pulses pain in my brain.

So what to do?

Shall I continue on or should I bail out? I pose this question to you. What will you do to get me to stay?

Let me answer. You don’t care, because I need you more than you need me. I’ve heard it a thousand times, You don’t care, but I stay.

So Dear Lover

I’ve found my self worth, and it’s worth more than you give. So I’ll walk away, with nothing but what I came with, and I’ll cry. I’ll want you back. I’ll think I need you back, but I’ll remember your words.

Your words, that once sparked magic, will now reinforce my self worth. Your words will become seeds that grow my self-confidence.

So thank you Lover

From you I’ve learned so much about myself. I don’t need you. I need to love myself enough to throw you aside.

I do love you. I just love me more.

HAVING FAITH

June 3rd, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

The moment someone mentions faith, those who don’t believe have something to say. Yet, they have faith that their government will protect their speech.

Faith is important. Knowing you can accomplish something when all signs point to failure, faithful. Having that faith and letting the world see you wear it as a badge of honor, priceless.

“I always admired Atheists. I think it takes a lot of faith.” Northern Exposure1991

EXPECT PROBLEMS

May 21st, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

There will never be a situation that doesn’t contain problems, because nothing worth obtaining comes easy. The test is learning to deal with problem.

EXPECT PROBLEMS. That’s the key. Allow yourself a second to deal, then look for the path around or through it. This will give you time to process your next move, giving you some flexibility in reacting.

LET YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM BE THOSE OF MORALS. Most problems aren’t that important and can be fixed by your need to move forward. Only those that affect your moral decision should you hold stead fast.

“I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming odds” Christopher Reeves (1952-2004)

FINDING FAULT

May 20th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

No one is held in praise for pointing out someone’s faults. They use their senses to amplify the faults of others. They choose to ignore the positive and focus on the negative. The truth isn’t located in gossip or hating, but in open mindedness.

Look at the United States. We are a country in abundance. We have freedoms and privelages not known to most around the world. Will you find only the fault? Or while pointing out the things that need change, will you give credit for having the right to let your voice be heard?

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” HERMAN HESSE(1877-1962)

CHANGING THE WORLD BEGINS WITH ME (2 Cents)

May 18th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

No one can get away without changing the world. Everything you do effects something else, either for the good or the bad. It is inevitable.

In a huge machine, things work better when the individual parts are taken care of. So if you do your part, the world can be a better place. For every nice deed done by you, good is pushed into the universe forcing a little bad out. So I’ll do my part, if you do yours.

“So divinely is the world organized that everyone of us, in our place and time, is in balance with everything else.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

Science vs Faith

May 18th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

There are two main beliefs in the creation of the world.  Some believe the right gases mixed, we evolved, and this is what we became.  I believe God created the earth, and made us in his image.  I heard this story when I was young and it always stuck with me.

There was a woman.  She was burned really bad in a fire.  Her face bared the brunt of the scars.  She had a daughter that loved science, it was her passion.  Her mother worked hard to get her every advantage.

Her mother was so proud of her.  When she won an award for her brilliance, she was the first one there to see it.  She watched her daughter, strong and confident, take the stage and command attention.  She was so impressed.

Then came the speech.  Her mother sat there shocked, listening to her daughter credit science for the creation of man.  Before her speech was over, the mother got up and exited the building.

The daughter found her outside crying.  She wiped her tears and questioned their meaning.  The mother looked into her daughter’s eyes and wept.

Do you know how I got these scars?

The daughter had always wondered, but her mother had showed her so much love she hadn’t asked.  It just didn’t matter.

Well when you were a baby, our house caught on fire.  I had been working so hard, I didn’t wake up at the sound of the alarm.   Your cries finally woke me, but the flames were already in room with us.  I grabbed you, and I prayed.  God told me to move and I did.  I ran through the burning house with you in my arms and I didn’t stop til we were safe outside.  I never felt the flames on my face and body and not a single one touched you.

I thought your love of science would help the world, I never thought it would destroy your faith.

You should read my blog, Poetry: That feeling.   Then let me know what you think.

Two Hearts

May 18th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

When I was 17, I wanted a tattoo, but my mother refused.   She said I was to young to get something permanent on my body.  I was stubborn and didn’t listen, so I grabbed my friends I.D. and went to the tattoo parlor.

It was two weeks before my 18th birthday, and I was surrounded by walls and books full of pictures.

Lil backround.  I had graduated at 16.  I was working and had my own apartment.  I had been in love twice.  My first had taken my virginity and captured my intellect.  Plus my mom hated him.  More than that, he made me think, and I loved that.  He was older, more sexual, and so he cheated.  I broke it off.

Three years later, it happened again.  He made me furious.  He was constantly challenging my ability to deal with other people, which was hard for me.  He was toxic, but I loved him anyway.

I was still in love, but no longer with him when I was standing around all these pictures.  I saw it and I realized my mother was wrong.  I was old enough to realize something that would last my entire life.

Two major loves should be enough to know exactly what you want.  I’m not talking casual dating, I never did that.  I’m talking making yourself sick love.  You should know whick qualities you want and those that should send off red flags.  Even if those are attractive qualities to you, that’s what the arrows’ for.  Never forget the lessons learned in the first two.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Keep on a straight path to finding what you really want.  The blood dripping?  Let it go.  Don’t hold the next man accountable for your past.

In a nutshell, its my philosophy on love.  It can be summed up by Maya Angelo.  “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Idle Hands

May 18th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

A couple months ago, an old boyfriend of mine asked, “How much money did I spend on you when we were together?”  I quickly bought my eye roll.  “You didn’t spend any money on me, you were broke.”

He adjusted his stature and tone, the re-approached me.  “You have Idle Hands!  Let’s make some money together.”

I thought to myself, I don’t have idle hands.  I take care of my child, my husband, and my house.  At the end of the day, my hands don’t feel idle.   He saw me deep in thought and let me ponder.  Normally I would’ve snapped back, probably why he’s an ex.  Instead, I said  “I’m listening.”

“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.  I’m starting a web page and I want your face and opinions.”  I held his productive hands in my idle hands and blew him off.

I got to much going on in my life to deal with this.  The next morning I awoke to the sound of my three year old pouring her own cereal.  I walked in the kitchen to find she had already dressed herself.  I told her I was proud of her.  I was glad she didn’t have idle hands. 

There were no dishes to wash, the floors had been vacuumed and I had nothing to do before I took her to school.  I tried to volunteer in her class for the day, but another parent had beat me to the punch.  I went home with nothing to do.

Usually I would play video games in my spare time.  (Don’t knock it, till you try it) Today I wasn’t in the mood.  I flipped through the channels and up pops a random church service.  Can you guess what the topic was?

So in a matter of twelve hours, I’d had a thought provoking exchange with a man who used to think being hard was more important than being smart, my daughter showed her independence, and god sent me a message via comcast.

I realized I had been idle, stuck, and unaware of my immobility.

So now I’m a blogger. 

Let’s eliminate defeatist thinking, unexisting boundaries, and lead filled boots to cure our communties of idle hands.

Me & My Pastor

May 18th, 2008 | By Sonnie Johnson

I can’t remember my age, but I’m guessing 12,13. I was in church one Sunday and my pastor began to preach. He was talking about perception. He asked what was the difference between a businessman that comes home to a bottle of wine and a homeless man with a bottle in his hand. Which had the harder existence?

It’s all in perception. I got really excited for the insight. The he got on the subject of black stars at the time, Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, and somebody else, I forget. He said we shouldn’t support them. They were giving the wrong perception.

I was shocked. I listened with total disagreement and silence. (Mainly because I was sitting by my grandmother)

After service, everyone lines up to greet the pastor. I had done it every Sunday since he was sworn in as the pastor of my church. This was the man that had baptized me, but on this day I couldn’t bring myself to give him my usual hug and update on my school progress. Instead I asked could I talk to him in his office.

He kept candy in his office, so he had to shoo out the little ones for our discussion. I sat there determined to get my point across.

‘I don’t agree with your sermon,’ I stated as calmly as I could. I told him we didn’t know if they prayed and this was their blessing, maybe they were there to help someone who wouldn’t come to you for help. I was ranting a little, but his comments had upset me.

My pastor smiled and held out his hand to shake mine. He congratulated me. He was happy I was listening, and even happier I made up my own opinions. He never tried to change my opinion, nor did his attitude change towards me. That was my Black Pastor, and that’s as controversial as he ever was. He was always inspirational.

You know this is leading to Jeremiah Wright. If I sat in a church with my daughter and he said such things, I used to think I would get up and walk out, but writing this I think I would have stayed. I would want her to hear he say “God damn America”, and “the government invented Aids as a means of genocide”. I would stay and let her listen, so when we left, I could tell her that’s what’s wrong with us as a people today.

Trying to place blame else where. No Personal Responsibility.

What if they did invent Aids? How do you get it? Having sex without a condom or sharing needle. How can we stop it? Use protection, limit the amount of sexual partners you have and get tested often. Simple. This isn’t complicated.

I love my church, though I moved away. I remember my pastor’s words, though God has called him home.

Okay, PERCEPTION. Make sure you think about the other side of things. When someone places blame elsewhere, question what they could have done to change the outcome.

Example: Jeremiah Wright brags about feeding thousands of people a year, because the government doesn’t care. The church bought him a $10 million house. How many more mouths could you have fed, how many more scholarships could have went out, or how many houses could you have helped saved?

It’s all in PERCEPTION.